Sunday, September 11, 2011

Email from the Queen

My mother posted this on our family blog and I thought I would repost it as a respite from some of the stuff that has been on here recently. Enjoy! (And  no offence to all my American friends!! After all, my views on royalty have some areas of resonance with your founding fathers!!)

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

5 comments:

  1. This is hilarious! Made my day. :)

    Would you mind if I linked it to my facebook page? I'm sure a lot of my friends would appreciate the humor (oops, humour!)

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  2. Sure UB - you don't have to ask.... you know!!!

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  3. Ha ha ha!! I've been teaching in an American School for the past 4 years and sadly, colour has now become color for me. But I do see sense in calling the last letter of the alphabet "zee" instead of "Zed". It actually rhymes when you sing the ABC song!

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  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  5. On behalf of the American people I want to assure HRH that the Government ( for which we have a Constitution - not some pile of riddles called the Magna Carter ) - we take umbrage at these remarks
    We are thereby , by consensus of the two houses , on this day under my hand kicking that skeletal Mrs Beckham out , and she can take her preening husband Elroy with her .
    Also we are repatriating the X Factor , Friends and the Quarter Pounder - forthwith.
    Also Millers Beer - I am reminded by the Sect of State .
    We are also declaring war on Kosovo , East Anglia ,Libya d Stafford on Avon and all them other places round Soho. We will have as our allies the citizens of Co. Scotland - and in a show of solidarity I shall be wearing the kilt on the day of invasion . MY mission accomplished will be made from the top of Ben Everest , and we will proceed therefrom to Trafalgar square where we will have a 21 gun salute to Gerry Adams.
    We will then arrest all members of Buck House and place them under the care of the eminent nerve specialist Sir Rodrick ( Spode ) Glossop.
    You called it Honey ! This is war !!
    CIC - USAF

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